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Find a quiet place to sit. Close your eyes. Focus on your breathing. Notice your inhalations. Notice your exhalations.

Start to analyze everything. If you think about an upcoming situation or conversation enough, you will be able to work out every possible iteration of what will occur. You can actually rehearse conversations to the point that you can predict what the other person will say. This gives you the upper hand as you already have a perfect response waiting in your back pocket.

Imagine every possible future for yourself. Remember, you will eventually get sick and die. Will you be in a nursing home, in the home of your resentful children… under a bridge? Also, remember those are considered lucky outcomes. You might die in a natural disaster. Statistically, if you were to die right now, it would be in a car accident. Also, all your friends and family are going to get sick and die, too. Imagine your friends dying. Imagine your friends at your funeral. Who would attend? What would they say? Do this on a daily basis.

If there is a possibility of something good occurring in your future, make sure to have highly unrealistic expectations about it. Fantasize about how amazing it will be. Make sure that what will actually occur is unable to ever live up to your fantasy. Proportion your expectations inversely to the likelihood of them occurring.

If you ever feel bored, remember shameful events from your past. Remember specifically how you felt in those moments. Experience deep regret. Don’t ever forgive yourself. What could you have done differently? How might your life be better today if you had just acted 10% less stupid? You would probably have a boyfriend/girlfriend by now.

Think about all the people that don’t like you. Catalog them. Try to sort them from “definitely hates you” to “not sure, but you just get this vibe.” Remember the offense(s) you did to them to make it that way. If you aren’t sure why they don’t like you, make sure you act incredibly awkward the next time you see them. Keep your eyes down, mumble a hello, and shuffle away with your head down. This lets them know that you are aware of how they feel about you, and that you are sorry for it. It also solidifies whatever negative beliefs they have about you. This is called synchronicity.

Become overwhelmed in situations with a lot of people. Everyone in the room is most likely judging you. Let that wave of shame and embarrassment wash over you. Ah, good, now you are frowning and acting uncomfortable. People see that and will make note that you have a bad personality. Is there alcohol available? Drink until these feelings go away. Hey, people probably want to hear you freestyle rap right about now.

You have reached Enlightenment.

Emily is an improvisor but also holds down a real job. Currently, she can’t update Chrome because her Mac OS is outdated.

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One thought on “Guide to Reaching Enlightenment

  1. I loved this article on “Guide to Reaching Enlightenment”. Made me laugh out loud – she put into words my worst fears and it made me smile.

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