Something that we will all inevitably experience in our young lives is becoming a celebrity. But how can you ensure that you remain in the spotlight? Below are a few tips on how to remain relevant and exciting as a pop cultural figure.
- Hire a publicist. Then make that publicist confirm every single piece of gossip about you. How many babies are you pregnant with? How many men have you slept with? Answer: All of them. Make sure your publicist gets paid exceptionally well for simply saying “yes” all the time.
- Set up a Maxim photo shoot. Your contract should have a clause entitled “No Photoshop.” If their readership wants to see you half naked, let them enjoy the succulent bumpiness of your Real Life Cellulite. WARNING: Tumblr will explode almost immediately.
- Be best friends with Jack Nicholson. This is just something that should happen for any twenty-something, male or female. You can announce your new best friendship by buying matching shades together at a kiosk at some mall in the Valley and having paparazzi photograph it. Then take photobooth photos of you switching them up. Super cute…and you have a new grandfather figure that is a legitimate badass.
- Stand up for Anne Hatheway. She is not that bad. She just desperately wants to be liked. Don’t we all just want to be liked? That is why we hate her…she IS us. Poor Anne. Poor talented, smart, beautiful, Oscar-winning Anne. Let’s all write more interesting and original internet articles in her defense right after reading this, k?
- Always go out wearing one shoe. This will disturb people more than you might expect. Bonus points if you wear one high heel or a Moon Boot. If you step on glass, just make sure a trail of blood follows you.
- Have a competition with Lena Dunham to see who can be naked on camera more often. You will lose, but you’ll feel like the world is your nudist colony.
- Join a cult. Not a mainstream one like Scientology, but an obscure one that actually focuses on positive values and has a moderately normal basis of morality (maybe one that is really just a glorified drum circle, but everyone still wears matching yellow dresses). Rise to cult leader and legally change your name to Sage Curry Wind. Have others speculate on what the fuck is happening to that cute girl from Wisconsin.
- Start a very public feud with someone on the D-list, and then have a publicized moment of forgiveness. Little girls all over Instagram will say “if Kristina Felske and Lisa Rinna can forgive one another, then I can forgive my stepmother for being born terrible.” Forgiveness could be a great story if we let it. Besides, if you’re a big enough deal, this will give your new friend a chance to re-enter the spotlight, and you can probably pose on the cover of People together. See? You can volunteer in Hollywood without an ankle bracelet after all!
- Don’t drink and drive. This is just a way to be better at being a human being, and even celebrities should strive to be better humans.
Kristina Felske is the founder and chief editor of the Other Otter and a big, big fan of appetizers. http://www.kristinafelske.com // twitter.com/kristinafelske