Let me get straight to the point, fellow citizens of Galena: we are DANGEROUSLY close to electing a Cyclops to be mayor of our humble principality. If you’ve been keeping up with the past six Op-Eds I’ve written for this paper on this alarming issue, you might be aware that a Cyclops came down from his granite crevice on Mt. Cardigan and declared his intention to run for public office at the rotarary club meeting this past September. Even this cranky old pundit cannot deny the home-spun charm of the Cyclops as he kicked open the door and announced that he had brought enough muffulettas for everyone… BUT STILL, are we really going to elect the Cyclops mayor because he makes (objectively) great sandwiches?

Of course I’m aware that the Cyclops has rapidly become a fixture in our community. Despite his violent outbursts of occasional murder, organizing the charity 5K to repopulate the sheep of Kuiper’s farm was really a nice way to bring Galena together. But need I remind the reader that it was the Cyclops who killed all the sheep in the first place? When questioned about the incident by the very paper you’re reading now, the Cyclops was very shifty, tersely replying, “BLLRRRGHHAHHRAWWW.” Bllrrrghhahhrawww? Is that really the type of leadership we need in the mayor’s bungalow?

If I haven’t convinced you not to vote for the Cyclops, then take a gander at my latest ad, included above for your consideration. It will blow your mind, not because of any shocking revelation, but more because it’s one of those Magic Eyes, which need I remind you a Cyclops cannot do. Just put it up to your nose and wait for it. Closer. See it? It should say, “SYKE-CLOPS”, but if you see an ice cream cone, you’ve gone too far and you need to see an ophthalmologist immediately.

Sure he’s been elected homecoming queen, scout leader, chairman of the board of the Galena wax museum, and “Monster You Would Most Like to Have a Beer With”, but what don’t we know about the Cyclops? Through some independent investigative reporting carried out by yours truly, I have found out that this creature has a criminal record. When he was finishing up his M.B.A. at Duke in the early 2000s, the Cyclops was arrested for public mead and sheep’s blood consumption. I tried to get an interview with the monster to discuss this terribly sordid affair, and he humbly obliged, but we didn’t really get around to talking about it because he has THE SOFTEST buttery skin— I was so taken aback when I shook his hand, we just traded skin care tips for an hour. And he has a tattoo on his back memorializing Dimebag Darrell. I love Pantera!

What was the point of this? Oh right, don’t vote for the Cyclops on Tuesday! He’s a freak, and a great guy, and a menace, and if he gets elected, I’m afraid he won’t be able to hang out as much and he might take me off of his HBO GO.

Matt Hope is a writer, performer, and scientist living in Lakeview, Chicago. He welcomes feedback on his work– adulation can be sent to actual.matt.hope@realemailaddresses.com, while criticism will be accepted at OtherMattHope@thisaddressisrealtoo.com.

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