In the perennial bestseller, The Bible, the author observes that God created the heavens and the earth in just a week’s time. Day 1 was supposedly spent creating light, Day 2 creating the skies, Day 3 creating earth and sea, Day 4 separating light from darkness and also forming the stars, Day 5 creating sea creatures and birds, Day 6 creating animals and humans, and Day 7 resting.

You don’t see this kind of productivity nowadays. But as I look around and notice so many imperfections tarnishing all the good in this world, I wonder if the above itinerary was the best choice. Hey, God, if you decide to destroy Earth as we know it (viz. Armageddon) and start all over again, I would offer this guidance for recreating Earth in a week…

(Day 1)  Create light and the skies. No need to devote a separate day for each one, since what you did last time was fine with me. I enjoy how each 24-hour period is divided into sunrise, middle of day, sunset and evening. It gives us focal points that we sorely need to organize our lives. Bravo, creator! Use the same template from the first go-round and you can certainly do it in half the time. You must have the process documented somewhere.

(Day 2)  Surely you can squeeze the creation of earth, sea and celestial objects into one day instead of two, drawing from past experience. Again, no complaints here. Plenty of variety to keep our interest. Incidentally, I must tell you how fascinated I am with the orbiting concept. How do you think of these things?

(Day 3)  Personally, I would devote an entire day to sea creatures instead of lumping them in with birds. For example, if you want humans to remain atop the food chain, fix it so that fish don’t stink up the entire house when we prepare them for dinner. And sharks? Well, they should have ready access to food sources below the surface so they’re not surprising swimmers and creating headlines. And if you’re looking to economize, whales could be half their size and we’d still get the point.

(Day 4)  Birds deserve a full 24 hours of your creative skills. I hate to say this, believe me, but I felt you rushed it with our feathered friends. Really, must they do their business on car windows? Also, most humans would appreciate if birds did not chirp before 6:30 a.m. (local time). One more thing… Even though we’re glad chickens can’t fly, any winged creature should have that option. Otherwise, it mocks the laws of nature and confuses young children.

(Day 5)  Don’t take this the wrong way, God, but what possessed you to create animals and humans in the same day? Next time, I humbly request that you to take a full day for each. The animal kingdom is a source of endless fascination. Endless! We’ve got poisonous snakes, harmless giraffes and a million creatures in between (if you count those found in Dr. Seuss books). I would argue that not all of them are necessary. If the new world had no tapirs, would it really make a difference? And can you please rethink bears scaring the living daylights out of campers who leave the comfort of their city homes to enjoy the simplicity of nature?

(Day 6)  I don’t know where to start with humans. History is full of their shortcomings, and every day we hear more gruesome accounts of their behavior. Are you absolutely sure they’re necessary? If I understand correctly, humans were created in your image – and yet there are many people who don’t live up to your standards. Not sure how you resolve this dichotomy, but I would be remiss if I did not bring it to your attention. If humans return for an encore, I would err on the side of more Gandhis and fewer Stalins.

(Day 7)  Of course you should rest after all this hard work, but perhaps you could recline on your celestial sofa and review your new creation for errors and omissions. Hire the equivalent of an editor or script consultant to offer an objective view of Earth 2.0. I’m sure it’s hard for you to give up control, but take a look around. What have you got to lose?


Joe Fumo is a Milwaukee-area business writing consultant who has published two humorous fiction collections: “God’s Web Site” and “Things To Do This Week.” He has been a newspaper reporter, corporate newsletter editor and public relations account representative . Thus, the need to write silly pieces.

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