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Out on the town with a maiden so fair
The face of an angel and rich auburn hair
Though the night would bloat my electronic debt
This was a date I would soon not forget

Greek food, romance and plenty of wine
The night to me was advancing quite fine
Depart the restaurant post paying the tab
To hail my steel chariot; score, van cab

The scent of the taxi smelled something amiss
Yet quickly forgotten by the night’s first kiss

Directions were given and our chauffeur set out

Leaving maiden and I to a slamvan make out

Tongues tossle and hands roam
All the way to the maiden’s home

And the maiden’s home was far
Like Albany Park, she must have had a car

The distance was the start of my plight
For I knew mine was the only cab in sight
But at this point you think, yeah boy, do what you do
Neh my friends, this is man’s Catch-22

How does one walk a girl to the door
Without implying the intent to score?
Does one pay for the cab and lose the ride
On the chance to be invited inside?

My lips limped and my mouth dried
As the time came for me to decide
I tapped the cabbie in a panic’d attack
And gave my best Arnold, “I’ll be back.”

Loudly he grunted at an approach so sloppy
And probably at the fact we made out in his jalopy
So with a shameful snicker and smile

I took the maiden’s arm, and walked the green mile

But wait, what’s this?
Before her door the maiden wants one more kiss
My life redeemed!

And clearly this kiss was more than it seemed
 
Fumbling through her purse she found the keys

Unlocked her door and said, “This way please.”
O this night’s events have turned swell

And then I heard the cabbie yell

He grabbed my arm and spun me round
Demanding the fare he was bound
$23.50 he spat in the yard
Alas, no cash. “Do you take credit card?”

Snatching my plastic he left dust in his track
I turned to the maiden, “I’ll be back.”
An eternity in Hell isn’t as long

As the time it takes to sing the Credit Card Song

How much for tip
10, 15, 20 percent?

Take it all, I don’t care

Who cares about rent!

The receipt finally signed and the cab on its way

I look toward the maiden but to my dismay
The door is shut, locked, annexed
A buzz in my phone, a single text

“i had such a great time
let’s do it again
but i work in the morning
i should probably turn in”

Fffffffornicate…is not what I’ll do tonight

In the end it serves me right
It’s my penance for no game plan
And trying to be a chivalrous man.

Michael Shepherd Jordan is an Actor/Writer/Improviser living in Chicago. He has trained at The Second City, The Annoyance and iO Chicago. You can see more of his work on the website of his sketch comedy group Cake-n-Hatred (www.cakenhatred.com), and listen to him on his weekly podcast, Podcastaways (podcastaways.libsyn.com).

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