You were hanging over the pit of wolves for about 90 minutes this morning at 11:30am, crying hysterically as the Pron Guards tore apart your backpack searching for clues to see where your loyalties lie. I was simply dumbstruck by your beauty – has anyone ever told you that you look beautiful when you cry?
Your legs were the most perfect shade of ivory, which only proved to be more apparent once the welts of the Pron Guards’ sticks began to appear, raising lovely purple plums upon your treelike limbs. Quite simply, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, or ever will see, as my eyes are to be taken out with lye by the Pron Guards this afternoon.
More about you: You have long, silky dark hair, despite it being matted down by mud and fecal matter. You were wearing a graying tunic with black panties that only showed when a cheeky guard used his stick to lift your skirt. Luckily, he was shot in the head moments later for breaking his oath of celibacy. You looked amazing, and our eyes met a few times, yours pleading and full of tears, and mine burning with lust. I think I saw you smile, perhaps knowing that you had caught me looking, but then I realized you only opened your mouth so a Pron Guard could pull out one of your teeth. You still look beautiful, and canines are useless now that we only eat the stubbles of grass and dandelions and the ash of our deceased relatives.
Anyway, if this was you and you know who I am, please feel free to drop me a note. Tell me something you noticed about me so I know I’ve got the right person. Maybe we could meet up in confinement sometime…I saw them dragging you by your lily white arms to the nearest shanty town, so I figure we may run into one another again. However, please remember that my eyes will be gone, so you should simply whisper, “alive, alive, I am alive” to me and I will know it’s you. If you’re not interested, that is okay, for I will just assume you are dead.
Kristina Felske is the founder and chief editor of the Other Otter and a big, big fan of appetizers. http://www.kristinafelske.com // twitter.com/kristinafelske. This is the first installment of her “Apocalypse Missed Connections” series.